18th, October, 2013
BREAKING NEWS:
CHURCHES TO PROTEST HETEROSEXUAL MARRIAGE
Say they have uncovered a sinister GAY agenda!
DATELINE: Belmopan, Belize
Several hundred fundamentalist Christians calling themselves Belize
Action are today preparing to protest a heterosexual marriage due to
what they consider to be a subversive move to promote the gay agenda.
According to one of Belize Action’s leaders, Pastor Scott Stirm,
reliable information has been received that homosexuals in Belize are
about to use traditional marriage to legalize sodomy. “I was praying
over the whole issue of marriage and asking the Lord to strike fear into
the hearts of people who think marriage should be for anyone other than
good Christian folk of opposite sexes” Stirm claims, “when Jesus
Himself told me about a homosexual abomination that was about to go down
in our God fearing Christian nation!” The abomination Stirm is
referring to is the pending nuptials of Florita Tek and Leopold Batty,
planned for this weekend in the nation’s capital of Belmopan. “NOT ON
OUR WATCH!! NO SIR-REE!!!” declared Stirm, using FULL CAPS and no less
than SIX exclamation points to emphasize exactly how serious this matter
is to the moral fabric of Belize. “We are mobilizing all self
appointed leaders, all unelected moral arbiters, and any Christian that
fits in to our narrowly defined Body of Christ to join us in putting a
stop to latest attempt to force the gay agenda on our heterosexual
fundamentalist Christian nation!!!”
What has Stirm’s
proverbial panties in a bunch is not the marriage but the metaphorical
love child that may result if Tek and Batty are allowed to wed. “Oh,
they say they love each other, that they just want to get married and
start a family and that sounds all good, right? That’s what the Lord
wants for all us, right? So how could this be a bad thing?” asks Stirm.
Good questions indeed, but as Stirm, who considers himself to be
Belize’s foremost expert on morality and faith explained, the DEVIL is
in the details. “We only just found out that Miss Florita Tek plans to
hyphenate her name after marriage. If these two are allowed to marry
she will LEGALLY be TEK-BATTY!!! Just like that, one quick trip to the
altar, by two obvious homosexual sympathizers, and TEK BATTY will be
completely legal in Belize!!! Forget about Section 53!! Forget about the
Chief Justice!! The next thing you know Caleb Orzoco will be the
marriage commissioner and the only place people will be allowed to
celebrate their wedding will be Chap’s restaurant. Oh, you don’t like
Mexican food... BAM!! Instant lawsuit!! It’s happening in Canada, it’s
happening in France, but we are saying NO it’s not going to happen
here!!! We have to stop this wedding for sake of our kids!!!!”
Joining Stirm in leading the protest over the Tek-Batty ceremony is Sir
Professor Pastor Patrick Menzies, Esq. Claiming to hold an advanced
degree in Matrimonial Sciences from an on-line university, Professor
Menzies says he has even greater concerns about the Tek Batty wedding.
“As an expert in marriage and what God commands for women inside a
marriage I can not stand by and let this abomination occur. God gets
very angry when women hyphenate their name. Its not just part of the
gay agenda, this business of hyphenating names is rooted in the feminist
pro-abortion movement. We know for a fact that women who hyphenate
their names are 10 times more likely to get an abortion or talk back to
their husbands. It offends God, it offends me, and therefore it must
offend all Belizeans.” Menzies went on to explain the illegality of
combining surnames. “As we all know, the Bible is the supreme law in
Belize. Well have consulted several Christians in our organization who
can Google stuff, so we are getting sound legal advice here, and our
research has shown that that if a woman hyphenates her last name, or
worse, keeps her maiden name, then that marriage is simply not legal.
We don’t need a Marriage Act when we already have 1 Corinthians 11:3.”
Like any good Holy Trinity there is a third player in the
Tek Batty controversy. Popular TV talk show host Louis Wade agrees with
both Stirm and Menzies that the Tek-Batty affair is an obvious attempt
by Anti-Christ agents to force the gay lifestyle on the Belizean people.
However, for Wade the issue has created a personal conflict that he is
struggling to come to terms with. “Jesus commands us to hate the sin
but love the sinner, well I can say I definitely love Batty” says Wade
who has known the groom-to-be since his days as a high school science
teacher. “Don’t even get me started because I could talk about Batty all
day long. Fans of my morning talk show probably notice I do tend to
discuss Batty a lot, praise be to Jesus. Sometimes I can’t even sleep
at night because all I can think about is Batty”, gushed the former
pastor. But despite Wade's affinity for Batty, he says for the sake of
righteousness he has no problem taking a public position that is so
obviously juxtaposed with his personal feelings. “For the sake of the
nation I must repress my own love for Batty and publicly denounce this
marriage. I, Louis M. Wade Jr., will not allow Tek-Batty to be
legalized in Belize.”
Belize Action expects to bring several
hundred of their prayer warriors to protest the Tek-Batty wedding this
weekend. “We will be sending buses from some of the most isolated
villages in Belize” boasted Stirm, “We’ve reached out to our brothers
and sisters in Christ in many villages where there is no radio, no
television and no Internet. In fact many of these villagers don’t
understand more than a few words of basic English, but God is great and
all these good Christians needed to hear was BUS-BELMOPAN-WEDDING and
they gave us a resounding AMEN, Let’s Go!!!”
Belize Action says
they wont rest in the fight to keep homosexuality out of Belize even
once they thwart the union and future happiness of Florita Tek and
Leopold Batty. “This is bigger than any Tek Batty issue. This is about
keeping Belize on the righteous path that I want for this nation” vows
Stirm. “Look, not everyone can speak with or on behalf of God, but the
Lord loves Belize so much that He blessed this nation with someone like
me who does.”
As of press time Neither Tek or Batty were available for comment.
-Disclaimer: just in case it is not completely obvious, the above article is a work of satire. Happy Friday everyone
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